It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Seems a bit forward
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I need this for my side hustle.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*