It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
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Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐