It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
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[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
A friend sent me this.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
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Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no