Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

I had to touch-up my friend’s hair with hair color and personally I think I did a great job. It only took her 35 minutes to get the dye off her forehead, left eyelid and my floor. I’ve found my calling.

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

The Birdles