It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Just a phase…
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
lmfao
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.