It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
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The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.