It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
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Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
The Cut is a psyop that was created so that whenever society feels extremely divided, we will receive a perfectly timed personal essay from someone so terrible, we will drop all our quarrels and come together for the purpose of cyberbullying them into oblivion.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.