Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

[at the drug store]

Employee: May I help you, sir?

Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO