A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
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Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
for all #parents out there
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Generation gap…
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles