It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
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[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Ion see the issue
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day