Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

how to exercise your calf muscles

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

me: i can’t believe you cheated on me

him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it

Okay me first

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer: