Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times

Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

my favorite gender

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source