It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
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Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
🤔😂😂
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work