Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born

barista: *under breath* shit

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.