@paulrobalino

It’s like my dad always said: “Stop quoting me and come up with your own ideas.”

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@donni

When I die, I’m donating my body to Simons. I tell this to every Simon I meet. So far, they’re not into it

@mjohnny3

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

@1Happytwit

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

@WorkingMom86

“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”

*shakes magic 8 ball

*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess

@seamusmckracken

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

@TheWadest

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

@hipchkk

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

@Jake_Vig

Dear President of Mexico,

DO NOT fall for Trump’s old trick where he mumbles “guypayingtobuildthewallsayswhat?” and you say “What?”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.

@SvnSxty

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties