Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

Received some very disappointing news today

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power

Leia: By blowing up my planet?

Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation

Leia: NOOO!!!

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*