It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
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I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.