It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
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do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.