It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
You Might Also Like
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me