It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
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me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”