It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
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I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
set yourself free xox
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
In banana years, I am bread.