It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
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Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
This is the one
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀