It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy