It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
technically true but not a great slogan
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.