Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

You don’t realize how inappropriate your music is until you have a car full of other people’s children

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing

Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it

Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.

Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.

Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”