Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

[Advert for hiking]

Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

Somedays I just love AI so much

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.

This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour