It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
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I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
consequences, the bane of my existence
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
When I face a minor setback
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident