Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

She asked to see where the magic happens, so I showed her my toasted sandwich maker

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.