It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
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Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
*files a restraining order against reality*
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.