@jergarl

It’s like my Grandpa used to say ,”The fight with grandma isn’t over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth.”

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@Darlainky

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

@mom_ontherocks

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

@ianpauldukes

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her

@Diversion50

DAVID BOWIE: We can be heroes!

ME: Great!

DAVID BOWIE: Just for one day.

ME: Oh. OK.

*bins blueprint for Batcave*

@patnspankme

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

@markleggett

Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.

@muniraxo

And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math

@theshamingofjay

[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]

“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”

Yes.

“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”