It’s like my Grandpa used to say ,”The fight with grandma isn’t over until I fill her pillow with spiders and she gives me back my teeth.”

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Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.


My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery


ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her


DAVID BOWIE: We can be heroes!

ME: Great!

DAVID BOWIE: Just for one day.

ME: Oh. OK.

*bins blueprint for Batcave*


her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.


Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.


And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math


[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]

“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”


“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”