Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck

cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]

How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

Have you tried locking him in your trunk?

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.