Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

What is Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

I’m calling the cops.

A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.

*first day as an accountant*

me: so where are the ants?

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.