It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.