It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
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911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
This trial is so absurd 😭
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
“I’ve recently come into some money.”
*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time