Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days

Hubs: What?! Why?

Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

me: can we stop at olive garden

mom: we have family at home

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no