It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
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Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Pleading insanity in small claims court
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider