Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.