Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?

Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.

Me: <send>

Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*