Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

Happy Thanksgiving

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.