Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

My wife has the worst taste in men.

Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.

When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?