It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
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Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Hot Hot Hot
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.