Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”