It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
You Might Also Like
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day