It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
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Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!