It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175
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Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
wtf management?!
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.