Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.

So sorry

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.

Beware…..

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.