Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”