It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
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My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
So many people to disappoint, so little time
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
New nose
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?