Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

*working out*

this is so much worse than i thought

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”

*starts driving*

“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.