It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
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“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.