They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
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Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Me when my alarm goes off
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool