It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
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We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
My brain is a bad influence on me
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?