Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.