Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.