It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
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*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Fight
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.