It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
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My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
This is my emotional support knife.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.