It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
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how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
logging onto twitter…
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.