It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
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*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I did not eat the cake…
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house