It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
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The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.