it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
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My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena