it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
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I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.