It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
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Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
this could fix me
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!