Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

My wife gave me an Oura ring.

Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.

Is my wife outsourcing?

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

Wise advice

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*

Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.