My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
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Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.
If you think my tweets are bad, you should hear me singing in the car.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?