It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house