It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

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she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini


This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.


My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.


Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.


“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁


Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.


There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.


I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.