@avainwordland

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

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@DougExeter

she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini

@RobDenBleyker

This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.

@JarheadnBlondie

My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.

… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.

@Ameiam

Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

@jonnysun

“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁

@SardonicTart

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

@kimtopher22

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

@Social_Mime

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.