It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

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My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.


Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.


This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.


I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.


Signs you’re a full fledged adult:

• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking

• You pay attention to the weather now

• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on

• You have a favorite stove burner

• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore


If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?


Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.


When a guy flirts with me I start blushing uncontrollably and I hide. Then I wait for them outside their house wearing a wedding dress.


If you think my tweets are bad, you should hear me singing in the car.


How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?