@avainwordland

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

- @avainwordland

You Might Also Like

@TheTweetOfGod

Time is money. Money talks. So time talks. But talk is cheap. So time is cheap. But time is money. So money is cheap. Which it’s not.

@lianamaeby

The woman seated next to me wanted to know if San Francisco is near the water. I replied, “What’s water?” so she wouldn’t feel stupid.

@Parkerlawyer

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

@Try2StopME

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

@YourDailyGroan

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

@PaperWash

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

@rowdyforsheriff

[Taps cigarette]

Look son, if a girl invites you over for coffee, first make sure she has coffee. You don’t want to get over there and there’s no coffee

@cloudypianos

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

@MikeCanRant

*watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
HAND SATANIZER
“Oh, this is just great”