It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
You Might Also Like
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
