It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
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*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
this is funnier than any friends episode
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit