It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
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If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I think they could have phrased this better
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.