It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
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I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
*frowns in Scottish*
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them