It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
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*orders delivery*
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Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
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My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
What about a To-Don’t List?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
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Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
presenting your incognito window wrapped
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
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Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”