It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
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I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight