It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
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Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.