It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
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If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned